I was that girl who carried a doll baby with her everywhere she went.
And not by the hair or the hem of her skirt, but gently, sweetly wrapped
in a blanket, safe and warm.
One of the earliest photos of me, as a
toddler, shows me clutching my Raggedy Ann doll. My eyes are teared up
and I'm miserable because my mom tried to take Raggedy away for the
photo. She finally relented and gave her back. The teary-eyed portrait
is the best image they got that day, capturing much more than my child's
face, but a glimpse of my spirit as well.
These are the same heart-strings that are being plucked today. My
first real baby, my son Elijah turned 16 yesterday. He's 6'3" and
growing. Tall and slender, with a deep voice and sprouting stubble, he
is hardly recognizeable in form from the soft, cheeky baby you see here.
But, like me, he is the same person underneath. Just like he was as a baby, he is kind-hearted, cuddly,
intelligent beyond belief, and so, so good to his mom.
In those early years, Elijah was my daily companion and at times my
only friend. The silver lining to a very hard period of my life is the
closeness we developed as mother and son. I have such a mushy, saggy
soft spot for him in the middle of my chest. It gets deeper and
squooshier as the years pass. And it hurts sometimes. How is it that my
little angel-faced baby is now housed in the framework of a man? It's a
puzzle that has confounded mothers for centuries. I'm not the first.
hope is that I'll know Elijah much longer as a man than I knew him as a
boy. With this math on my side, perhaps the puzzle will resolve itself.
Or maybe this is why we have memory loss in our old age—to ease the
pains of distant memories.
Today, my heart hurts. I know things are no different from yesterday.
And I have nothing but gratitude for this forward-rolling life we've
been given. I hang my heart on Elijah's daily hugs, his love for family
activities, his lack of embarrassment over his old mom, and his wish to
live near us as an adult. Unlike so many teenagers, he's in no hurry to
leave us behind. This gives me clearance to teach him to fly, as I know
he'll return safely and willingly—if more infrequently as the years
pass. My eyes might be a bit redder for the experience, but success as a
mom is a happy, healthy, functional child—who also still likes you
somehow in the end.
He is a good, good kid. I am grateful to be his mom.
Mine’s 13 and I hang my heart on his hugs too. Sweet post, it made me teary! Happy day to you both.
I’ve been reading your blog for years and had never realized that our oldest children are exactly the same age. Miranda took her driver’s test yesterday on her birthday and passed. I can’t believe how she has transformed from a chubby cheeked toddler into a beautiful young woman…and I am also so very grateful that she too loves her momma!
Oh, and Happy Birthday to Elijah!
My oldest is about to turn 12. I can’t even begin to imagine how it will feel when she turns 16! It is hard to watch them grow up, but also beautiful and wonderful.
Teary eyed here as well. My son is 6 hours away at college and I miss him so. He sounds very much like the son you write of. 😀
That is beautiful Heather, as a mum with two sons I can say that they hold a special place in my heart that gets squooshy too everyday.
My twins, and only children, turned 5 on Sunday. I spent most of the day crying–for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I think it must be part of being a committed Mama. Without the tenderness, the hard days would be so much harder. Hold on, sweet Mama–and enjoy every minute.
My oldest turns 16 in a couple of weeks and my youngest just turned 14. Time is flying far too quickly. Happy birthday to Elijah. =)
Oh, your post has me teary and I don’t even have children.
My son is 19. I put him on the plane Saturday to return to his out-of-state college. As I read your post I realize that I “store up” all the hugs and together time that I have with him, and pull out those memories to get me through till his next school break. Treasure every moment!
Heather,
I have been reading for a while now, but this is the first time I’m commenting.
This is just beautiful! I remember you from our Santa Clarita days when our little boys were 3 years old. My son will be 16 this year, too, and you have captured what my heart has been feeling. Thank you!
Happy Birthday, Elijah!
Happy Birthday Elijah! My goodness I cannot believe how you have grown!
I feel the same way about my son! His toddler years were hard because of his health. He is fine now but I have this spot in my heart that is just filled with love for him because of it. His birthday is next week. I will cry. Just like I do every year because he is one more year away from his sweet baby and toddler days. He too still is close to us and is in no hurry to leave us behind. I am thankful that we still have his ear! I get how you feel! Bless you and bless your sweet family!
Awww. i so understand. My ” baby” just turned 30! And his sister is about to turn 33!!! I still can’t believe it. I am so blessed that my kids want us near too. They have married wonderful people and I’m a grandma, so the cycle continues and I have more to love. But I never seem to get over the wonder of their lives and how it’s changed and continues to change. And that’s a good thing… <<<.HUGS >>>>
Happy Birthday Elijah!
Such sweet sentiments! I was very moved by your words today… My Little One is about to turn five, and I wonder where has the time gone?? I will cherish every moment, as it is clear you have, too!
oo. this got me. I have had the same feelings as my son turned 14 recently and towers over me.
Crazy how fast it goes and how much we hope for our “little” men.
Your comments touched my soul. My “baby” is now 31! He has grown into a remarkable man with a kind soul, a dry wit, artistic abilities in music and art and a drive to constantly better himself. He works full time and is going to grad school at night (3 more semesters and he has an MBA in Healthcare). I can’t be more proud of him if I try. Watching a child grow up to be a wonderful adult is, I think, the best thing that can happen to a parent.
Thank you for writing what I feel – I always wish I had the talent to write beautifully like this! My oldest is 17 and finishing up his last year in high school, and it is tough. I tell my kids that’s why I take so many photos, because I don’t want to forget anything! Thanks for your words today – they brought tear to my eye and a smile to my face.
This made me cry. I am the mom of two little boys; ages 7 and 4. I know this day will come for me. You have put it to words so beautifully.
That was so beautifully written Heather. It brought tears to my eyes too. My son is 9 and we too have a very close bond. I often tell him when I hug him that he must never be shy to hug me even when he grows up. Love that boy.
Thanks for sharing.
Well I guess I know how you feel as I have sons who are scattered. Lots of memories of hugs and manly goodbyes. Elijah is all you said he is and more. And he loves his beautiful mother. I remember him as a baby too, with undoubtly the longest reach of a one year old ever. God keep him close and ambitious to do good. Hey mister get that Eagle project done. All the baileys send their love, Grandma Bailey (the Crazy One)
Well now you have us all tearing up. What a lovely birthday letter to your son. My oldest and only son is 42 and he still hugs me in public, calls and texts often and willing comes and helps us with projects. I am a lucky Mom too. Happy Birthday Elijah!
Good job!! My oldest is twenty, 6’5 and still hugs me when we run into each other, before he leaves to go home, and any other time he takes it into his head to do so. My youngest turned one in December (and is right now standing in her high chair playing peekaboo with her skirt) and while so many think I’m nuts for still having babies (I’ll be 40 in a few weeks, have seven and am still hoping for one, maybe two more)I just dread the thought of my nest emptying out. At the same time having grown children is so wonderful, too. I’ve never had any be embarrassed to be with us, either parents or siblings. You have discovered the “secret” to successful parenting- building actual relationships with them and loving them for them. You have a lovely family! (Happy birthday Elijah!)
Beautiful sweet post and pictures (it made me cry). My son will be 9yrs old in March. You wrote beautifully every word… I know what you mean because I’ve been feeling as of late. Happy birthday to you Elijah!
Dear Heather, I just had to say what a stunning photo. My beautiful boy turns eight this year. I occasionally will watch him & let my heart ache a little & my eyes fill with tears because I know he is growing up. I tell him my eyes are watering because of my allergies…thank God for little boys.
I have a four month old baby boy at home. I imagined him turning sixteen when I read this and it made me cry. It’s a beautiful post.
Happy birthday to Elijah! We must share the same birthday… only I turned 23 (eek). I hope it’s a great year for you all. Love the way you write, Heather!
xoAchaia
Wait till thier in their 30’s. My youngest just turned 31 on Christmas and my daughter will be 35 next month. I still get the hugs and a mommy from time to time. Crazy how fast they grow. My son has to little boys. So I get to feel that wonderful feeling of holding a little one again, the way they smell so sweet. But even they are growing so fast. Enjoy how wonderful it is to have them in your life.
Well said and exactly how I feel about my sweet sweet 13 year old son. How blessed and lucky we are to know this kind of love. It is so bitersweet- to leave behind the little one but the young men they become is pretty wonderful too I am finding.
I’m not sure I can put into words how I feel about my daughters getting older. My oldest is going on ten and I already have regrets and wish to turn back the clock. This is written so beautifully Heather! -kg
oh my gosh, your mom i drop dead gorgeous. i have always loved your banner pic to0. you are blessed to have a photographer husband. But we are all blessed in some way (:
This is one of those things that I have been looking at doing for a while, but this is definitely a good reason to get on and do it!