Elijah is suspended from school for two days. He punched the bully. Elijah is an intellectual, not really physical at all. But, after two years of constant harrassment of the most foul sort, he had had it. Funny thing is, as soon as their scuffle was over, it was Elijah who went to the office and reported it, even though he threw the first punch. He has been rather humble about the whole thing — he just wants this bully to leave him alone. The office staff is well aware of this other kid’s behavior. He received a longer suspension.
We’ll see what comes of it. Hopefully the other kid will think twice next time. Turns out quiet, read-a-book-at-lunch Elijah has a threshhold.
Regardless of the circumstances, we’re not cool with punching. (Elijah adds, “Neither am I!”) We’re not letting him have a vacation. He must work, contribute, stay busy. He has helped his grandparents plant trees and pull weeds, he has washed the dogs, done the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms, — and to top it off, he made a cheesecake. How about that? Granny helped him out.
He is just delighted with himself over the result. I spent the first hour this morning hearing all about cheesecakes and how they are made, how he swirled chocolate into the top layer, how he piped a spongecake border around the edge of the cake, but it didn’t work, and so forth.
Tough waters to navigate as a parent. Condemn the punch, condone the confession. Condemn the wrong reaction, condone the good kid. Punish, comfort, direct & love.
Well done! Our son (who is only 6) has a very soft heart. He’s the tallest kid in his class, but certainly not the most athletic. And he is super, super protective of his sisters, especially the 3 year-old as she has Down Syndrome. We’ve always told him that he cannot start the fight, but he is allowed to end it. Tough waters to navigate, and I applaud the way you dealt with it. Great job!
Okay, I know punching is bad but….Go Elijah! There comes a point when a young man’s got to take a stand (and deal with the outcome as well). You are great parents and he’s such a great kid. Hopefully the bully has learned something too.
Motherhood is not for wimps. It sounds like you are doing well. And enjoy that cheesecake.
It is so crazy how rampant bullying has become. I just found out my little 7-year-old nephew is constantly being harassed by a child his age, as well as a 5th grader at school. He knows self-defense since his father is a boxer, but he knows that he can’t defend himself physically unless he is in real danger. It’s a shame that kids this age have to even deal with this. Shame on these bullies. I am trying to teach my 5-year-old son about compassion & helping/defending others & have already spoke to him about potential bullies in the future…who knew we would have to start so young?!
I am sorry Elijah has had to deal with this for 2 years. And I truly don’t blame him for having a threshold. He is obviously a sweet kid who didn’t really want to have to defend himself in this way, but hopefully this whole situation will bring much needed change for him. He seems like such a sweet soul, & I LOVE his excitement about his amazing cheesecake! Go Elijah! Way to navigate the parenting waters wonderfully Heather! You definitely have good kidlets on your hands who you can be so proud of!
I hope the bully is done with his bullying!
I have to say that your son did the right thing in standing up for himself, not necessarily the hitting part though. My daughter was bullied for years for being a good sweet kid who refused to take part in the other kids bad behavior. The school wouldn’t stop it, promised to many times but didn’t follow through. I finally told the school I would get an attorney and they mad it stop. What a shame it came to that. I wish my daughter would stand up for herself but since it is not her nature, I am all too happy to do it for her. Our children need to be loved and protected and from my experience the schools look out for the bully more than they do the victim. I would never want her to hit anyone but sometimes that is the only thing that gets someone’s attention. I went through the same thing in middle school until I knocked the wind out of my bully and then it ALL stopped. Sometimes it is an evil necessary.
Can’t condone punching either but been bullied is tough so … good on Elijah for standing up to him. Elijah sounds like the type of boy I’d want my thirteen year old daughter to hang out with 🙂 Well done with your parenting skills on this one!
My brother did a similar thing. There was a bully at our junior high school who would pick on his friends. My brother was the biggest of the group so one day he decided he’d had enough and was going to do something about it the next time he picked on them. He punched the kid. The principal told him the boy deserved it but he still had to suspend my brother. Our whole family was in shock. My brother NEVER hit people, he NEVER got mad, he never even yelled. I don’t think my brother has ever hit anyone since.
It is unfortunate that fighting back seems to be the only thing that stops these horrible bullies.
It seems you have a glimpse into how God feels when He’s dealing with us.
It is tough to be a parent. Sounds like you are handling the whole thing very well. Way to go Elijah for standing up for himself. And way to go for you keeping him busy!!
I don’t know, I’ll go out on a limb and say that I wouldn’t necessarily condemn the punch. Unless one takes a completely pacifist stance (which I don’t, though of course it’d be nice–though perhaps you guys are) there is a time for physical force. I think the schools have gone a bit far in acting as if every use of physical force is unnecessary, particularly when they seem to do a bad job of controlling bullies!
Instead it seems to give the bully license to do whatever he wants short of hitting, and we all know that emotional abuse and violence can be just as damaging, if not moreso than physical violence. Then all the pressure is on the kids being bullied to just suck it up and teaches them that they don’t have control over their circumstances and can’t affect their own lives.
Particularly with boys (and I have two) I want them to be strong enough to control their emotions and not lose control in anger, but also to be able to stand up and fight for themselves or others when the occasion presents itself.
A mentor of mine (marriage and family therapist) said he taught his kids that if someone was bullying them they should report it twice, and if it wasn’t taken care of they had permission to fight back if necessary and the parents would support the decision.
I think it’s particularly tough with kids at school because they can’t get away from the bully the way one usually can in real life!
It sounds like Elijah was calling upon inner strength and bravery to stand up to that bully and just because it went against the conventional thinking of the school (and perhaps society in general) doesn’t mean it was wrong.
Plus, he wasn’t just standing up for himself, but for other kids in the past and future who have been or will be bullied by that kid.
But, obviously all situations are different and I’m not in any way trying to tell y’all what to do! Just a different perspective, perhaps 🙂 When I read your story I felt proud of him.
The cheesecake looks so yummy!
Yes, I’m definitely glad he stood up for himself. That’s what makes it so tricky — what I must say to him and what I’m thinking inside are a little bit in conflict. Part of me is “Way to go!” and part of me is “Whoa, no punching first.”
He was bullied by a different kid in 5th grade who would gather up his two henchmen and repeatedly punch Elijah in the stomach and face on more than one occasion. That year, there were definitely some dinner discussions about when it was okay to fight back and how to be effective in doing so. The school ended up not welcoming the other kid back. The two henchmen became friendly once the ringleader was no longer around.
Elijah is a big kid. He’s 14 and already 5’11. I figure this is bound to stop sometime soon!
Way to go Elijah! Sometimes standing up for yourself is worth the punishment it takes in the meantime.
Sadly my son HAD to do the same after years of torment he got the bully then chased down his 2 mates. The mates fled after they saw what happened to their leader. No action was taken by the school and the bullies didn’t report it but my son did. He never got bullied again and has been happy ever since. Pretty sad that the kids have to take it into their own hands to get results. I’m with you, I don’t agree with it, but I’m glad he did and pretty damn proud that he stood up for himself when neither the school nor us could protect him.
Elijah will have more confidence against these types now and word will get around he’s no longer an easy target. Good on you Elijah, and nice job on the cake too 🙂
Oooh, what a nice son you have. You are so lucky! I’m sure you know that, already! 🙂
I think it’s great he stood up for himself and I love how he reported it himself. He should give himself a pat on the shoulder, he’s a role model for all the kids being bullied.
Nicely done. I think it a good and worthy thing, WHEN NECESSARY, for a boy (man-in-training) to lay down the law when good judgement is displayed. I for one am glad I married a man who is wise and knows when enough is enough and can stand up for himself (he doesn’t punch people…but I suppose he would if life called for it and he needed to defend his family, etc). Anyways, great post and it’s good to read other peoples thoughts too!
Sounds to me like you’re navigating expertly. He sounds like a terrific kid with excellent baking skills.
I really tire of bullys.. I dont know what the answer is…because our kids wont tell on them.. or let us do anything (when they were young.. they are adults now)… for fear of being bullied more. I hope your bully learned his lesson.
I really think he did the right thing. I know violence is wrong, but with some bullies, that’s what it takes to get through. My guess is that the bully will back off now. My friend’s mild mannered son did the same thing and it ended the problem for good.
My son just did a research project on Steven Spielberg. Apparently, Spielberg was bullied. His solution was to cast the bully in one of his films. They became friends. Very clever approach.
I really feel for you. We’ve been through it and it’s no fun. As a parent, you feel so helpless. Good luck to you all.
We need to stand up to bullies of all ages and in all parts of our world.
That cheesecake looks amazing by the way, well done with the topping Elijah.
My son had a similar problem in middle school. He was one of 2 dozen “children of color” at the school. He was never bullied physically, but taunted with the N-word from the same student on numerous occasions. One day he’d had enough and threw the kid to the ground. He told him to never say that again and walked away. I got a phone call telling me he was suspended for 2 days and the other kid was suspended for 3 weeks.
It’s a fine line we walk as parents, telling our children that violence isn’t the answer, but not wanting them to be doormats either. I told my son, I supported his outrage, but also his punishment. Most bullies will back down when challenged. I’m guessing your son has made his point with this one.
as a teacher, i must say that it’s difficult to navigate the waters of bullying. so much bully behavior is secret; we aren’t allowed to directly act without witnessing the behavior…
that said, good for elijah for standing up for himself. punching is tricky territory– but maybe, just maybe, being scared of getting your ass beat is enough to make you stop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzEYLQU2t7M
This is what can happen….
Sometimes I think the only thing to do to a bully is stand up to them. It makes them think twice about bullying you again, and hopefully others too. Quietly, well done Elijah – all power to the little people!
I admire the way you handled this and Elijah is a testament of your good parenting! 🙂
Oh how I hate a bully. My kid, also quiet and kind and gentle, is constantly a target for kids at school. He is on the Autism Spectrum which means that he has no idea how to fight back toward these more sophisticated kids. He once spit on a kid who was harassing him, and the teacher’s reaction to that was of pure horror. We talked to him about spitting, but I also told the teacher it’s karma. What goes around comes around, and that other kid needed to leave MY kid alone. They moved the other kid to another class after that. We’ve had lots of experiences with bullies. It is no fun, and I fear there will be a day when my sweet, kind boy will haul off and smack the bully.
I am glad to hear that the school suspended the other boy as well. It’s unfortunate that your child had to be suspended for defending himself. These anti bully/no tolerance programs in school are just not working. It still goes on. What is a kid to do?
Good job! Sounds like you and your son are going to be OK. This is what growing up looks like.
Call me politically incorrect, but it sounds like punching the bully was the only effective method to make him stop. Go Elijah!
We have always said that no one has a right to intimidate or threaten you and if you do find yourself in this situation you
1. Tell the person that you don’t like what they are doing
2. If that doesn’t work then tell them that if they do it again you will respond in the same way.
3. Defend yourself, physically if necessary.
No one has a right to treat you or your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I hope that these quideline will stand in good stead for a range of possible situations.
Then you should of course eat cheesecake!
Kudos to Eli for standing up for himself. We have a neighborhood bully who has hit my kids, including my 9 yr old daughter. We have now instructed to hit back in self defense, as all other avenues have been exhausted. Your son has probably learned a valuable lesson and I bet that boy leaves him alone from now on!
I think that’s the absolute best thing you can do as a parent! And it sound’s like E has a pretty healthy outlook on the whole thing. What a cool kid.
Congrats to you and your son. It’s sad he had to physically react before the school to measures about a problem they were aware of!
My son was constantly attacked by another boy in 2nd grade. I was constantly meeting with the principal. During the summer, both boys went to the same day camp and became friends. It was almost worse. This kid was teaching my son a ton of garbage that I was constantly combatting. The friendship lasted a few years and then one fall he invited the boy to his birthday party (against my better judgement). The boy taunted one of my son’s good friends. During lunch, my son took the boy aside and said something to him. The kid was quiet for the rest of the party. My son never contacted him again. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I guess we can only hope we teach them the right things and they listen.
Thank you for sharing this story. My 6 yr old daughter told me recently that she doesn’t want to get older because it means she has to get meaner … so next year, she says, she only has to get a little meaner, but by the time she’s a senior, she’ll be really mean. She’s a kindergartner … tough waters indeed. Thank you for your inspirational share!!
It seems to me that you have a rather mature young man there. The fact that he knew that he might have gone to far and actually reported himself, speaks volumes. (I might be less mature, thinking the other guy deserved the punch…)
And well done on you, not letting him treat his supension as a holiday – he’ll be a really well grounded man by the time he grows up, I think.
And a great cheesecake maker 😉 – it looks delicious!
It’s nice to hear of bullies getting what they deserve once in a while even if you can’t publicly condone it. Be so happy that your son has a threshold, I feel horrible for those poor children who just continue to take it year after year.
I had bullies follow me home from school when I was no older than 8 or 9. They would wait until my hands were full and I was off of school property. I kicked one of them, and she left me alone after that. It didn’t even matter how hard it was. Just knowing that there might be retaliation was enough.
First things first…you MUST post the recipe for the cheesecake YUM!
Secondly I think we all have a breaking point, and since our children are at the mercies of other children and there seems to be little the people in authority can do about it (bullies are good at NOT getting caught), they have to take matters into their own hands sometimes. Yes, we teach hitting is wrong but so is being a bully. It often takes standing up for oneself to get others to get bullies to stop.
It sounds like Elijah has a good head on his shoulder yet is not going to let others push him around. He’ll go far in this life!
Kudos to you for doing a great job navigating the choppy parental waters!
gosh – what a lot of good comments – presuming you now feel very supported in your handling of said difficult situation?!
Our #2 son is a gentle caring kind, and has been dealing with a similar situation recently. We’ve been trying to avoid saying ‘just thump him back’ but sometimes it seems like the only answer! (#2 son would no doubt explain how wrong that would be to double our guilt!) His threshold has not been met yet but not far off. Will encourage the same kind of industry if suspended and remember this post!
thanks for sharing
fee x
Good job E. Exposed the bully and reported it. Oh and nice cheesecake.
Choppy waters indeed. Bravo on your mad parenting skillz 🙂
GO Elijah. Standing up for yourself is important.. as is knowing right from wrong and taking responsibility. I think you are doing OK. Cake looks great. Way to go Elijah!! Eat cake and smile knowing you are doing a great job. All this namby pamby newage schooling/parenting/teaching. Bullies got punched when i was at school. I was a 13 year old girl and punch an 18 year senior boy for having a go at my kid sister. Hitting isnt right but it stopped him and his nonsense.
Sounds like my younger sister! She had been teased by a boy for a couple of years, and he was generally a bit of a pain… one day he tried to twist her arm behind her back at the lunch table and she snapped and thwacked him one… Our mom was called into the headteacher’s office, but couldn’t get angry at my sister because she had stood up for herself!
bravo to Elijah for standing up for hemself and taking the conquences like a man.
and bravo to you for getting thru this in a fine matter!
Wow, Elijah is just like Ralphie in A Christmas Story! Can’t condone the punching either, but sometimes you just have to stand up for yourself. I think the fact that he turned himself in says everything about him.
Proud of Elijah for standing up for himself. And hopefully this bully will leave him alone. My 10-year-old son has had a problem with a bully this year at school. He has hit/tripped/pushed him a few times this year and, like Elijah, has been the one to tell the teacher, except for one incident (kinda humorous NOW). He has never hit anyone before and hopefully won’t again after this year. He’s done a lot of work as penance for his actions. I don’t condone fighting, but at the same time some bullies need a taste of their own medicine. I’m just looking forward to Summer Vacation, for it will really be a vacation this year. And Parenthood is the Greatest Adventure!
PS Looking forward to your SLC visit!
With the high school admission process ahead of you, you might want to check in with the school office; they usually do report suspensions in a student’s record. If that’s the case, Elijah could meet this head on by writing about the experience in his application essay or by talking about it in his interview (if either are part of the process at the schools you’re considering). He handled it all perfectly, as have you.
Congratulations on the cheesecake AND the way you’ve dealt with your son.Bullying is such a serious issue. My own son was tormented so badly that in grade 5 I pulled him from public school. The other kid was a teachers son who also happened to be a senator’s grandson. Needless to say, nothing was done to him. J. is back in public school this year, and has had a few problems, but he knows we do not condone violence. Its very hard to teach a kid to stick up for themselves when the adults who are supposed to protect them do not stick up for them (the teachers) and he understands that if he fights, there will be dyer consequences and that expulsion from school, is not a vacation, yet he also understands that if he lets things continue in him being bullied, it may not stop. Ugh.. sticky situations.
way to go Elijah! I know punching is not the answer but sometimes it is. If the office staff is not going to keep a closer eye on him and his behavior then this is what happens. My son gets picked on too and sometimes I wish he’d punch them just to end it!
I don’t care how un PC it is, but I think your son did the right thing. How long should someone have to wait for the support and help of adults before he’s forced into dealing with it himself? I think 2 years of putting up with this was inexcusable and under the circumstances I feel he must have felt no option. Kids who fight back (first punch or not) should be praised for thier courage. I think he’s amazing.
Our 15 yr old son was bullied by 2 differet boys during his jr. high years. We counseled him to ignore, stay away, etc. We informed the school many times and they did nothing. As long as the bully shed some tears, he was let off the hook.
We finally told our son he had our permission to defend himself but to also expect to suffer consequences the school would mete out but that he would not be in trouble with us. We had no clue how to handle this situation with him and the school. Thankfully the bullying stopped.
I think he felt empowered and never ended up hitting the boys.
Well Done Mamma Heather! and Pappa…Parenting is very difficult, and I love the way you handled his punishment. He will have a strong work ethic as an adult as you have instilled that behavior.
I’ll never forget our 6th grade class cleaning up 3 miles of ditches along the highway. It was a wonderful lesson on how “not” to treat our environment. It wasn’t a punishment, but a lesson for all of us. Respect, honor..and most of all SELF-respect are wonderful lessons.
And the Cheesecake…a reward and a lesson all in one! Brilliant!
If this baby is a boy, I want him to be just like this…even if there were punches thrown. Just a few more days until we find out!
First of all, I stalk your blog all the time! It never fails to inspire me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for keeping this blog! (I want a slice of that cheesecake!)
Second, standing ovation for your son. He knows violence is wrong, but needed to send a strong message, so he did what he had to do. I had a bully for 7 years–6th grade through graduation. Hard times. I wish I’d had the courage to up and punch my bully!
Good for E! I call that “Cause and Effect”. I tell my students that eventually the person you are bothering/pestering is going to have enough of you. You are the cause and will eventually receive an effect! So don’t be shocked when you are “effected”!
i have to feel that elijah was right to do this to an extent. being his age, i know it gets bad at school, and it gets to that point. i as a fellow bookworm aplaud him for his courage and i know that i would never be able to confront anyone myself. last year, a new girl came to our school, and talked behind the mean girls back, and the mean girls started it that time, but the new girl didnt get suspended. even without the suspension, the day after, the new girl was treated… differently, and i hope (in a non-weird creepy way) that that didnt happen to elijah. also that cheesecake looks a-mazing!