Tomorrow’s my birthday – the best day of the year. And this year, for my birthday, my list is rather simple:
• Sleep in
• Visit my favorite antique store
• Get pedicure Thanks Merris!
• Buy some strange hoo-ha on eBay
• Eat something sinfully chocolate
• and… laugh!
I’m off to a good start today with that pedicure, thanks to my SIL, Merris. Seeing as I’m generally a short-nails, no-polish kind of gal, this was my first pedicure ever! So, in honor of my first pedicure ever, I went all-out and authorized a celebratory sprig of flowers to bedeck my toes – white flowers, with red crystal centers. Hours later, I’m still in debate over whether toe-flowers are ‘me’ or not – they sure are cute – toe wiggle – perhaps too cute? – toe wiggle. And the lotion they used! I’m not a lotion kind of gal either, but I’d sure like to get my hands (or feet) on some of that stuff!
As for the other items on the list, they’re all in the works. In fact, I have big plans for that last one – the laugh – and, I’m counting on you. OK, cut the prologue – JOKE CONTEST – right here, right now! Get me with your favorite joke or shaggy-dog story, and win your pick of these pears!
Rule #1: Nothing dirty or vulgar
Rule #2: No swearing (“¿!#*?!#” is fine)
Rule #3: No offense if I edit your joke for not following the rules
Tip: I like dumb jokes too. One of my all-time favorites is:
Q: “Why DIDN’T the chicken cross the road?”
A: “Because he was a chicken!”
Come on, humor me – literally. Oh please? It’s my birthday!
I’ll announce the winner sometime on Sunday Monday. (This is way too much fun!)
I have some – but im in australia – but even if your not sending os – I have to share these as these crack me up – in such a bad way.
Why do cowboys wear boots?
So they dont hurt thier toes when they kick the bucket!
2 man walked into bar – you would think the second one would of ducked.
Ha! – Let the fun begin!
(and, of course, I’ll ship overseas!)
Snap!! Happy Birthday!!
I like this joke :
Star Wars : Christmas time… Darth Vader say to Luke that he knows what Luke has got for Christmas. Puzzled, his son asks how?? Darth Vader replies : Luke, I have felt your presents!!! You have to do the voice to make it really work!!!
Happy Birthday To You! Here goes:
What’d the pirate pay for his earring?
A buccanear ( a buck an ear)
Wow, I think you just described my perfect day. From the pedicure to the antique store to the buying hoo ha on ebay. Perfect. Happy Birthday! August is a good month for a birthday. So here are my jokes. 1. What animals didn’t come on the ark in pairs? Worms, they came in apples.
and 2.When things go wrong what can you always count on? Your fingers!
We are big fans of popsicle stick jokes over here. Hope you have a wonderful birthday!
This joke was made up by a long since grown up little boy.He told the joke constantly for about 2 weeks and always got a laugh.So just imagine a dungaree wearing, sweet dimpled faced little fella is saying this!
Dimple face “What’s green and looks like a pear?”
You “I don’t know what’s green and looks like a pear?”
Dimple face “Another pear!”
Did he make you laugh too?
This one always makes my Mum laugh.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Have a great birthday.
Here’s a couple cheesy ones:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, one looks at the other and says, “boy it’s hot in here.” The other muffin screams, “Oh my god! A talking muffin!”
Three elephants fall out of an airplane, two hit land, one in water
bu…bump…cha (it works better if you say it out load).
Happy Birthday Heather. Can’t wait for your fabric & patterns to be released.
This is a joke my 6 year daughter old told us at dinner the other night.
Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
Answer: Because he was in the living room!
Made us all happy!
Following on from brown and sticky:
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.
It used to make a friend nearly wet herself laughing. We are simple people, the English. i should have come up with some dry british irony, but it’s saturday morning and I just can’t manage it without some gin first.
Have a greast day!
A girl sits down next to a guy in a bar “what’s that your drinking?” guy:”magic beer” Girl: “prove it” so the guy takes a gulp gets up and flies around the room three times then sits back down. Girl “wow” to the bartender “i’ll have what he’s having”. She gets the beer, drinks it down walks to the window and jumps, before falling. Bartender to guy “Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”
I got told it differently, but can’t remember those exact words, but it’s basically the same joke. May be funnier in person. -shrugs- your pedicure turned out lovely, you have cute tootsies. i have been thinking, dreaming of a pedicure. for my poor overworked feet to be treated. Have a lovely birthday. Steph.
P.S. I have been reading your blog for a while now, never got around to actually leaving a comment. but i do love all your creations and your free patterns and tutorials – looking forward to testing them when I get my sewing machine back.
Happy belated birthday! I saw your pear on craftster and I couldnt resist, I love corny jokes, so here we go:
What kind of cheese cant you eat? Nacho Cheese (Not yo(ur) cheese, get it?)
Two green beans were walking down the street when one got hit by a car. They were rushed to the emergency room and the friend was impatiently waiting in the lobby when the doctor finally came out. “Sir, are you the friend of the bean that was hit by the car” to which the bean readily replied “Yes! Yes I am!”. The doctor shook his head and humbly replied, “Ive got good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend will survive. The bad news is that he will be a vegtable for the rest of his life!” Ha ha ha ha!
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
*teehee* =P
Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Heather, Happy Birthday to you…
Here are two of my son’s favourite jokes “Why did the skeleton burp in church? Because he didn’t have the guts to fart”. I think it is the use of the word fart that makes it so hilarious to a 7 year old.
“Why did the boy take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains”.
Have a fabulous day.
Yay! Happy birthday to you!
I also am a big fan of the corny jokes, my most recent favourites:
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because it had a chicken nailed to it’s head.
and
What do you call a man nailed to a wall?
Art.
I hope your day is wonderful!
Happy Birthday! I love the toes!
#1 – Why was 10 afraid of 7?
– Because 7 8 (ate) nine!
#2 – Did you hear about the pirate movie?
– it’s rated AAARRRGGHHHH!
glad you like dumb jokes…
Happy birthday!
Here is St. Louis, as you may know, you must tell a joke on Halloween in order to get your treat. It was quite a shock for us Western kids… My ds has been telling this one for years:
How do you make friends with a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Love the pears!
Here we go –
What did the zero say the to eight?
Nice belt!
Have a great one.
Not exactly a traditional joke (more like the “Deep Thoughts” that used to be on SNL), but something I came up with years ago:
“I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, there’ll be lots of parties around the world.
Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.”
Hi Heather,
Love your blog. I just made my daughter a headband from your pattern this week. So easy and lovely!
Chloe is 6 and here are 3 of her favorite jokes:
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken’s foot!
Where does the president hide his armies? In his sleevies!
and finally: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby!
I can’t wait to tell her some of the jokes others have left for you.
Enjoy your day!
I didn’t read them all, but my dh’s favorite is…
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,
“Why suck a long face?”
Darn it I messed up my own joke, even when it was written!
Not “SUCK” but “SUCH”!!!
Oh well, hope if the joke didn’t make you laugh the amazing inability to tell a proper joke did!
Happy Birthday!
Oh I love your beautiful pears! Happy birthday!!! 🙂
Here’s a silly one for you:
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
I love those pears! I simply must enter.
So there were these two fish in a tank, and one of them turns to the other and says, “So, do you know how to drive this thing?”
Happy Birthday!
Here’s a joke that my daughter told me:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
And for (family friendly) chuckles check out these Star Trek motivational posters:
http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html?trek
(I’ve told this one a few times–it came from my irish in-laws. Always gets a laugh!)
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Gardai (police) patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the Garda said “I’ll have to ask
you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy!”
A joke from the beloved Muppet Show that is still a favorite at my house…
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino! (el-if-I know:)
Love those pears! And congratulations on the celebration pedicure – ultimate decadence!! Especially if you are eating chocolate or drinking fabulous tea during!!
Happy Birthday!
A few zoo-related jokes:
“A two-humped camel is called a bactrian. A one-humped camel is called a dromedary. A no-humped camel is called Humphrey.”
Q: What did one horse say to the other horse on its birthday?
A: I wanted to sing happy birthday to you, but I’m a little horse (hoarse).
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: ‘Unique’ up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: ‘Tame’ way!
Q: Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
A: Because its head is so far away from its body!
And an anecdote:
A state trooper was sitting in his car on the side of the highway and he saw a man drive by with 27 monkeys in his car. The trooper pulled the man over, and told him that he couldn’t drive around with all those monkeys in his car, he had to take them to the zoo. The man says “ok” and drives off.
The next day, the same state trooper is sitting on the same stretch of highway and he sees the same man with the same 27 monkeys drive by again. The trooper pulls him over and says “Hey buddy, I told you yesterday you had to take these monkeys to the zoo”.
The man replies “I did take them to the zoo. We had a great time – today we’re going to the beach!
Delurking, I really like your blog!
One from my husband, the master of silly jokes;
Great musicians never die, they just decompose.
Happy Birthday Heather!!
Here’s a joke for you:
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crumby!! :o)
So, I don’t do jokes, mostly because I’m silly enough on my own without the aid of a joke (blessing or curse, I don’t know). So, instead I’ll just leave you with Happy Birthday! Love the pictures and the toenails. Have a great day!
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He’s the only one with sesame seed buns.
This is the only joke I can ever remember and I love that it’s such a groaner. Happy Birthday.
Happy Happy Birthday! Here are two silly little riddles for you’re big day…
Why does a traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in front of so many people!
Where do Rabbits go when they get married? On their Bunnymoon!
I found your blog while looking for Yo-Yo ideas. What a treat!! Please let me play!!
My two all-time favorite knock knock jokes.
“Knock. Knock.”
“Who’s There?”
“Impatient Cow.”
“Impatient C—–”
“MOOOOO!” (interrupt person)
And I love this one!!
“Want to hear a knock knock joke?”
“Sure.” [only works if person agrees]
“Okay, you start.”
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
[silence as the victim realizes she has no idea who is there, but it’s her turn!]
Thanks for a great laugh today and the yo-yo instructions.
Love your site. Just included a link to your bootie tutorial from my new blog, http://onehourcraft.wordpress.com
Happy Birthday!!
What do you get when you walk by a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite! 🙂
Har har har…
happy birthday! hope this makes you groan or laugh:
did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippper who sold his soul to santa?
Here’s mine. Happy birthday!
A man goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to him.
Is that too naughty? I love the wordplay.
Happy Birthday Heather! Looks like you’re celebrating it in style! [Love the toes, and I’m not a pedicure/lotion gal either.] I can only think of the joke my son and I like to tell:
A: Knock knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Banana
B. Banana Who?
A: Knock Knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Banana
B: Banana Who?
A: Knock Knock
B: Who’s there?
A: Orange
B: Orange Who?
A: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
Silly/dumb joke, but I’m notorious for being a terrible joke teller.
Here’s my favorite joke from when I was about….8 years old.
What’s red and has teeth?
.
.
.
An apple!! I lied about the teeth……….
One guy at work always has groaner jokes. This one is his favorite (I hope I get it right, I always blow the jokes).
A dog limps into a saloon, goes up to the bartender and says “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw”.
This is my favorite joke ever:
Why do radio announcers have small hands?
“We pause for station identification.”
Wee paws? I’m laughing as I type this!
Hey, you said you like stupid jokes.
Happy Birthday!
oh my heck! These jokes are funny. My mind is blank, too early in the morning.
I hope you had a fabulous day!
Ok, my sister told me this joke last night, and I REALLY want a pear, so here goes:
So this pirate is roaming around the high seas looking for ships to plunder when his first mate runs up and says “Captain, I spy 4 English Galeons on the Horizon, what are your orders?” The Captain says “Fetch me my red shirt and prepare for battle!!!”. The first mate grabs the captain’s red shirt, and the pirates procede to board all 4 english ships and steal all of their treasure.
The next night the pirate captain is standing on the deck when his first mate runs up and says “Captain, I spy 6 English galeons on the Horizon, what are your orders?” The captain again says “fetch me my red shirt and prepare for battle!” and just like the night before, the pirates easily capture all of the ships single-handed and steal all of their treasure. After this miraculous battle, the first mate asks the captain “so what’s up with the red shirt, is it lucky or something?”. The captain replies “I wear a red shirt to battle so if I’m injured my crew won’t notice and will keep fighting with all of their strength!” The first mate is very impressed and goes back to work.
The very next night, the first mate runs up to the captain and says “Captain, I spy 20 English galeons on the horizon, what are your orders?!?”. The captain, in a very small voice replies “Bring me my brown pants…”
Tee hee 🙂
Happy Birthday!
Ok- here’s my cheesy one:
What did the felted hat say to the hat rack?
“You stay here, I’ll go on ahead”
A very Happy Birthday to you! I can’t think of a better way to start off a Saturday than with a laugh. This is a very silly one but that’s the theme and I love the idea.
Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!
Have a lovely, joyous day.
Okay, my daughter says I have to put this down…
What did one car say to the other car?
Nothing, silly, cars don’t talk!
And here’s one from me because it’s your birthday…
What’s the best thing about turning 104?
No peer pressure!
Hope you have a terrifically indulgent day, filled with mounds of chocolate and other delightful desserts.
Delurking to say how much I love your blog and share a bad joke I learned from my son:
What did the momma buffalo say to her younger buffalo when he went off to graze in the meadow?
Bye, son! (Get it, bison?? hee, hee…)
Happy birthday!!
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish!
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
oh heather happy birthday! the pears are lovely, but better than that, the rest of us get to laugh along with us. there are some pretty good jokes in there. here are my groaners…
where do sheep get their hair cut?
the ba-ba shop.
when is a good time to go to the dentist? tooth-hurty.
what kind of shoes do you make from bannanas?
slippers!
Okay . . . here’s a cheesy one. . . and forgive me if someone else has already posted it. . .
What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?
BUCK TEETH
*cue laugh track*
Are you laughing yet? Hee!
Happy Birthday! I hope you have some good laughs today!
May your wishes come true, may your wishes come true, may your wiiiishes come truuue, Happy Birthday to you!
Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny.
What did the grape do when the elephant stepped on him?
He let out a little “wine”.
Q: What did Hannibal get when he crossed the Alps with an elephant?
A: A mountain that never forgets.
Q: What goes “wiff wiff leap, wiff wiff leap”?
A: A hurdle jumper wearing corduroy shorts.
Hirpy Bathday.
Three pigs went into a restaurant and the waitress came over and asked them for their drink order.
The first pig said “I’ll have some water.”
The second pig said “I’ll have a diet coke.”
The third pig said “I’ll have some tea, lots and LOTS of ice tea.”
The pigs got their drinks and the waitress asked what they would like for dinner.
The first pig said “I’ll have a salad.”
The second pig said “I’ll have some soup.”
And the third pig said “I’ll have tea. Lots and Lots of Iced tea!”
The waitress came back later and asked the pigs what they would like for desert.
The first pig said “I’d like some Ice Cream.”
The second pig said “I’ll have the cheesecake.”
And the third pig said “I’ll have more tea. Lots and lots of iced tea!”
The waitress said “I don’t mean to be nosy but why have you ordered nothing but iced tea all evening?”
The third pig said “Well, somebody’s got to go wee, wee, wee all the way home.”
🙂 Happy Birthday to you and your cute little piggies!
Happy Birthday!
Q. What’s the difference between scrambled eggs and pea soup?
A. Anyone can scramble eggs!
Q. What happened to the cat who swallowed the ball of yarn?
A. She had mittens!
Q.What kind of vegetable shivers when it’s cold?
A. A cucumbrrrrrr.
Have a great day!
Wow, lots of jokes here! My submission is:
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs, he would fall over!
Happy Happy Birthday Heather.
A doctor says to his patient, “I’m very sorry you only have ten to live.”
Patient says, “Ten what? Years? Months?”
Doctor says, “9, 8, 7, 6……”
Happy birthday! Sounds like a great way to celebrate. August IS the best month for birthdays, all of us peridot girls know how to celebrate…
Well here go some of my (and my nieces) favorites:
1)What’s the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?
One wears a suit, and the other just pants.
2)What city cheats at exams?
Peking!
And (drum roll please) our all-time favorite –
3)Have you seen that new Pirate movie? It’s rated ARRRRRRRR!!!!!
Keep celebrating!
PS – Love those pears.
I have to redeem myself, I just saw my #3 was on another post. So here goes with another silly one:
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side!
Okay, okay that was bad! LOL!
Okay… I’ll chime in…
What did the fish say when he hit the brick wall?
Dam!
How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What’s the last thing to go through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield at 60 miles an hour?
It’s butt!
Why didn’t the bicycle stay out late last night?
He was two-tired.
That’s about all I got for now! Happy Birthday from a fellow Leonine! (My B-day was the 4th)
Happy Birthday!
Why are pirates scary?
– because they arggggghhh!
Why did the fish cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
Happy birthday Heather!
Most of the jokes I enjoy are just fun in Swedish… hmm…
Have you heard the one about the hedgehog who steped down from the broom and said:
– Sorry!
:-/
Latley we’ve been enjoying one that you can try out on your kids or hubby, but it’s no fun to write down:
– Have you ever heard of the interruptive cow?
and as fast as somebody try to answer
– We…
you shoout as fast and hard as you can:
– Mooooooh!
so fun!
Happy Birthday Heather!
My Birthday is tomorrow (Aug 13)!
Here are two jokes courtesy of my 3-1/2 year old darling granddaughter Savannah,
– How do you make a Kleenex dance?
You put a little “boogie” in it!
(She puts a little swing in her hips
when she tells the punchline)
– What’s a cow’s favorite thing to do?
Go to the mooooo-vie store!
(Of course, the oooooo’s are very
long and drawn out for high joke
impact)
Hope you enjoy the jokes!
I’m absolutely loving those pears! I’ve shown your original posted pear pic to some co-workers, and they drool over it as well!
I don’t know if this is a “wilds of Canada” kind of joke… but here goes:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the porcupine that it could be done.
I got this one from my yoga instructor:
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” he says, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I have these dreams where sometimes I’m a wigwam and sometimes I’m a tee-pee. What’s wrong with me?” The psychiatrist replies: “Nothing to worry about, you’re just too tense.”
Happy birthday!
Oh my gosh… you are so fun . Happy Birthday Girl. I love your blog so much I check it everyday. I really want a pear too. so….. What did the diaper say to the baby ? Soak it to me.
Why is the ocean restless?
You’d be restless too, if your bottom was covered in crabs!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Okay, here it goes.
Why didn’t the skeleton dance?
Cause he had not body!
Might be too late now, but happy birthday anyway!
Here’s a joke that made me laugh like a loon the other week:
A dog walks into the post office and asks to send a telegram. The postie asks what he wants it to say and the dog says
‘Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof.’
The postie then says, ‘You’ve got nine ‘woofs’ there, you could send another one for the same price!’
Says the dog ‘But… that wouldn’t make any sense at all!’
:^D
Anyways, happy birthday, and nice blog!
Happy birthday!
First, I have to say that your photos always look so amazing! The colours, the composition!
Now, here’s my joke (the only one I can ever remember):
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
🙂
Happy Birthday to you!!!
Hope you don’t think this vulgar:
What’s grosser than gross?
When you open up the fridge and the rump roast farts in your face!
Here’s my favorite:
Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
I’m horrible with jokes, but here’s a little something I posted on my own blog that might be funny….Happy Birthday.
Hope your birthday was delightful . . .
This is my daughters’ favorite joke for now:
Where does the bumblebee go to the bathroom?
At the B.P. Station
You can always count on a little potty humor!
aw Happy birthday Heather! I hope you get to do everything you want to and more!
I just followed your link from Craftster and I think your creations are delightful! 🙂
I have a good one for you!
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
(hopefully you’re really ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your clock?
A: Time to get a new clock!
Happy Birthday!
Had to come out of lurking in order to share my FAVORITEST joke! It still cracks me up every single time.
Two mushrooms walk into a bar. One mushroom says to the other, “I don’t know why I don’t have any friends. I mean, I’m a fun guy!”
And another, very simple one:
A man walks into a bar.
…ouch!
happy birthday!!
I saw this joke on a birthday card a couple years back and cannot stop giggling every time I remember. hopefully, I’m recalling it correctly..the wording is a bit off:
(the card is a fridge) “you know when your refridgerator is whurring, creaking and banging around…it’s just making ice.” (then you open up the card) “you’re not getting older…you’re just making ice!!”
hope you had a great day!! 🙂
.♥.
Happy Birthday Heather!
Q: What goes “Hahahaha-bump-splat”?
A: Someone laughing their head off.
Q: How do you put an elephant in the fridge in three easy steps?
A: You open the fridge, put the elephant in, and close the fridge.
Q: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge in three easy steps?
A: You open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the fridge.
Q: The lion’s having a party and he’s invited all of the animals. Who won’t show up for the party?
A: The giraffe, because he’s in the fridge.
Q: If you were stranded on an island surrounded by crocodile infested waters, how would you get away?
A: You swim, because all the animals are at the lion’s party.
Here’s hoping you have a wonderful birthday with lots of absolutely delicious chocolate, and great bargains on eBay and at the antique store!
Happy birthday! Here is my favorite silly joke
“why do the pilgrim’s pants keep falling down?”
“Because they wear their belts on their hats!”
Ha Ha
Happy Birthday Heather! Love the pears!
You might have heard this one already, I am stealing it from Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (the yarn harlot)
A blonde is wildly driving down the road, swerving all over the place, yarn flying out of the car. A cop sees her and turns his siren and lights on. The blonde keeps driving just as wildly.Since she won’t stop, the cop pulls to the left of her, yelling and motioning “Pull over! Pull over!”….. the blonde yells back “No, it’s a cardigan!”
Hee hee!!
Have a great day!
Happy Birthday, Heather! That pic of you is beyond great! Hope you had a wonderful day.
Here is my joke:
Q: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?
A: You take the “p” out of elephant, and the “f” out of way.
(There’s no F in way)
Ok, here’s my favourite…
What does Winne-the-Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?
The same middle name!
boom-boom
My 3 year old told me this joke. (no joke)
Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital?
A: Because he wasn’t PEELING very well!
Happy birtday, hope you find something fantastic at the antique store and thanks for sharing your bootie pattern. I made a pair and they are soo cute!
Happy Birthday!
My joke is the favorite of my 2 and 4 year olds.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?
I didn’t know you could yodel!
Hope you have a fabulous day!
Ever heard of the poor dog who wet himself in the desert?
…
….
…..
……
…….
……..
He couldn’t find a tree…
And of course – happy birthday! The toenails are gorgeous and the pears are divine!
Have a wonderful day! I’m sorry, I really don’t know any joke in english, but this is the funniest video I’ve ever seen, hope it makes you laugh too!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LrT3w_CSeys&search=oops
Happy Birthday!
This is my favorite, I found it on a stringcheese package years ago:
Q:What do you get if you run over Batman and Robin with a steamroller?
A: Flatman and Ribbon!
Happy Birthday! Your blog is beautiful.
This joke will show off my geeky side.
Two hydogen atoms were walking down down the street.
The one says, “I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep, I’m positive.”
That joke still cracks me up. (I’m such a nerd)
ok I know you said no “dirty jokes” well this is a clean dirty joke you will see awhat I mean.
Person 1: You want to hear a dirty joke?
Person 2 : yes
Person 1: A boy feel in the mud. Now do you want to hear a clean joke?
Person 2: Yes
Person 1: He took a shower.
feliz cumpleanos!
my joke:
q: if you are american before you go to the bathroom and american after you go to the bathroom, what are you while in the bathroom?
a: european! (you’re a peein’)!
hee hee.
Happy Birthday! And such cute pears! 🙂
Ok,
Q. What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
A. Any kind, buildings can’t jump!
Q.What goes ZOOM-Screech, ZOOM-Screech, ZOOM-Screech?
A. A blonde at a flashing red light. (hee-hee!)
Q. What word starts with the lettter F, and ends with the letter K?
A. Firetruck!
Okay, and my favorite of all time, the joke my best friend told everyone when she was five, and didn’t quite understand jokes:
Q. Why did the girl put her foot on the school?
A. To tie her shoe!
(cue laughing)
happy birthday! this is my sister’s favorite joke from when she was five:
q: what do you do with a dog with no legs?
a: take him for a drag!
she used to tell it over and over again and laugh hysterically each time.
my standard joke:
q: what goes 99-thmup, 99-thump?
a: a centipede with a wooden leg
what do you call it when an apple rolls down a hill? An apple-anche!
Happy Birthday! My “baby” sister (now 25) composed this joke when she was about 6:
Q: Why did the pizza cross the road?
A: To get to the grandmother pizza’s house!
Just ’cause …
My nephew told me this 25 years ago!!!
“Why did the punk rocker cross the road?”
Because he had a chicken pinned to his face! (Still cracks me up!)
And my new fav?
How many A.D.D. people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
.
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Wanna go ride bikes?
hehehehe! So ME!!!
Happy Birthday Weekend Dear!!!
Your tippy toes are simply LOVLEY!!!
Hippo birdie two ewe! Here’s a funny joke and since it’s Sunday, I think it’s a bit funnier.
If you are Catholic or went to Catholic school, this one will crack you up double. Okay, this one takes a little physical imagination, so I placed the physical (you gotta do it while you’re reading it) explantions in paraethesis.
Q:
Did you hear about the Nun who repeated herself?
Reply:
No.
A:In the name of the Father (right hand touches forhead), the Son(right hand touches center of chest), and the Holy Spirit(*right hand touches left shoulder and then touches right shoulder, Holy Spirit(*repeat), Holy Spirit(*repeat), Holy Spirit(*repeat).
haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Since it’s SUNDAY and all!!
OOPS, the NUN IS DEAF!!!
A lonely frog calls a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds.
His personal psychic adviser tells him, “You are going to meet a young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog is excited about the news. “That’s great! Will I meet her at a party?” he croaks.
“No,” says the psychic. “In biology class.”
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
I have to get my boyfriend to tell that one for me because I can’t tell it without getting hysterical half-way through. Happy birthday!
Okay, since I’m blonde, I’ll tell one more… a blonde joke.
Two blondes were taking a hike through the woods and came upon some tracks.
“Oooooh, are those bear tracks?” asked the first blonde.
“No, I think those are deer tracks” said the second.
“No, I’m pretty sure those are bear tracks” repeated the first.
“No, deer tracks!” repeated the second.
“Bear!” “Deer!” “Bear!” “Deer!”…
And they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Happy Birthday again! Have a laugh at us blondes’ expense!
Okay, here’s another couple.
Jesus hasn’t seen Joseph for a very long time, so he is searching heaven. He meets an old man.
Jesus: I’m searching for my father.
Old Man: I’m searching for my son!
Jesus: In his time on earth he was a carpenter.
Old Man: In my time on earth, I was a carpenter!
Jesus: But in a way, he wasn’t really my father.
Old Man: In a way, he wasn’t really my son!
Jesus: Dad!
Old Man: Pinnochio!
And have you heard the theory that Jesus was actually a woman? The supporting evidence:
1 – He was always trying to explain his point to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
2 – He had to feed crowds of people at a moment’s notice when there was hardly any food on hand.
3 – Even when he was dead he had to get up because there was work to be done.
Q: Why did the lamp flunk all his classes?
A: He wasn’t that bright.
I am so wowed by this marvelous site. It’s a thrill to know this lady. She touches your life and boom you have electricity where there was nothing. Love to you Heather. You are Beautiful!!!
My two favorites:
Q: What did the snail say when it went for a ride on the turtles back?
A: Wheeee!!!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I don’t know what to do. One minute I feel like I’m a tee pee, the next minute I feel like a wigwam, then a tee pee, then a wigwam, tee pee, wigwam, tee pee, wigwam…”
The doctor’s diganosis: He’s two tents (too tense).
Oh my! These jokes are horrible…I love them so!
Here’s a variation on the joke Sunshine shared:
If you’re Russian when you go into a bathroom, and Finnish when you get out, what are you in between?
European!
And my son’s favorite:
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
whoops, sorry, that was a variation of Risa’s joke. 🙂
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey, you two! Can’t you read the sign? It says ‘We don’t serve string'”. The bartender throws the strings to the sidewalk. One dejected string picks himself up, bends over at the waist, twists himself in and around and tossles his hair up.
The two strings walk back into the bar. The newly made over string orders a beer. The bartender says “Hey! Aren’t you that string I tossed out?” “Nope, I’m afraid not”.
A frayed knot. Get it? That kills me.
I’ve love good jokes but unfortunately can never remember any good ones. The only one I have ever remembered, oddly, is the following:
Joke Teller: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Joke Receiver: I don’t know, why?
Joke Teller: To get the Free Lance Star. Get it?
Joke Receiver at this point will most likely say some variation of: No, I don’t get it. (as in, he/she doesn’t get the joke).
Joke Teller: Neither do I. I get the [Insert Local Newspaper here].
Very cheesy, I know. For some reason I always envision a purple dinosaur with big sneakers walking across the road every time I tell this joke. Now that’s funny!
Love the blog, love the pear, love the toes…
A magician was performing on a cruise ship and each night while performing the captain’s pet parrot kept saying “its up his sleeve” ” its in his pocket”. “its in his shoe”. “in his pants” etc. and the magician was loosing his patience. The parrot was ruining his act!
One night while performing his magic tricks the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The lucky magician woke up hours later, adrift on one of the ship’s tables with the parrot and nothing else but open sea.
The parrot seemed confused and looked quizically at the magician for a few days while drifting.
Finally on the fourth day at sea the parrot looked at the magician and said, “Ok, I give up… where’s the ship?”
Two antennas meet on a rooftop. They fall in love and decide to get married. Since they don’t have much money, the wedding was nothing fancy… but the reception was excellent!
Happpy Birthday!
Why did the tree cross the road?
Because he had to leave!
Here’s one of my fave joke at the moment:
Q: What will you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
A: A lot of holes in Australia
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and asks for three whiskeys. The bartender looks down at the string and says, “Sorry, buddy – we’re not allowed to serve drinks to strings in here.”
The second string steps up to see what’s the matter. “We’re paying customers, and we demand three whiskeys!” he grumbles.
The bartender says, “Listen, fella – I’m just following the rules. No strings allowed in here.”
The two strings sulk back to the table and tell the third string, who really gets angry. “I know how to handle this!” he growls as he begins to double over and tie himself into a messy tangle. Swaggering up to the bar with strands flailing in every direction, he shouts, “Bartender! I want three whiskeys, and I want them NOW!”
The bartender casts a suspicious look and asks, “Hey… Aren’t you one of those strings that came in here earlier?”
The tangled-up little guy shrugs and states confidently, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot!”
Haha! Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday!
I love this joke and since it wasn’t here I have to share it (it’s a long one so I found the version I heard and pasted it 🙂
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called
Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived
on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought
one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group
of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could
even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being
dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent
another delagation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they
approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish.
Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another
land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The
Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre
saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the
mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered
why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.
The ogre laughed and replied:
“Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!”
(Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids! 🙂
Happy Happy!
And how fab are your toes???
Q. Why do cows wear bells?
A. Because their horns don’t work!
(insert snare drum roll going “baDum Dum” here…)
Happy Birthday!
The joke:
Q: What kind of cheese can’t you own?
A: Nacho cheese!
Happy birthday!! Mine is coming up to and i love it this year i am throwing myself an everything ice cream party. I think i am going to celebrate everybirthday every year with something fun. Last year i celebrated my birthday at aroller rink to an 80s theme so much fun!! Anyway as for a joke i asked my 4 year old to tell me one and everyone involved poop in some shape or another so i will spare you… Have a great day, love your blog!
There are three guys relaxing in a sauna. The first guy’s hand starts to ring..He looks up apologetically and says “oh sorry, it is this new microchip technology… I am just getting a call.” then he starts to talk to his hand.
A few minutes later, the second guy’s wrist starts to beep. He says “Oh, sorry.. it is this new technology, I have a microchip in my wrist, and I am just getting an email.” He starts to tap his fingers on his wrist to type out a response.
The third guy is feeling pretty bad because he has never even seen this kind of technology before. He gets up and leaves to go to the washroom. We he gets back, he notices that the other two guys are looking at him funny. He looks towards the direction of their gaze and realizes that he has toilet paper stuck in his bum…. he quickly says…. “oh!…. I am just getting a fax”
I’m a frequent reader of your blog! Here is your birthday joke… i know it is a little late!
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the pirate and wonders why he has a wooden wheel down his stripey pants.
The bartender says, “Did you realize you had a wheel down your pants?”
The pirate nods, “Arrrrgh.. and it’s driving me nuts!”
I hope that was clean enough. It is my favorite. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I hope I’m not too late for the joke fest… here goes…
Confusious says: Man who pass gas in church sits in own pew.
Get it? Giggle giggle. Happy Belated B-day.
😉
what did the daddy beaver say to the little beaver?
shut the DAM door!
happy birthday!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
PIIIG
What did the one blueberry say to the other blueberry as they were crossing the road?
“Watch out for that- thblt!”
“Oh my- thblat!”
Am I too late?
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had lobsters in your bed!
Oh my, there’s some funny people out there! Happy, happy, belated bday to you…
You have perfect plans. And you take amazing pictures!
Here’s my classic,corny, when I need a joke-joke:
what’s the difference between a pigeon and a farmer?
a pigeon can make a small deposit on a tractor.
I’m late, but still couldn’t resist, and wanted to wish you a happy day, anyway!
Happy Birthday! I love your blog and wanted to tell you that your booties are *the* biggest hit at baby showers. You’re such an inspiration and I look forward to your promised patterns. Here are my jokes….
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
Because they kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
And
What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
Well, I’m coming to this late and I may have missed the contest boat entirely but I wanted to wish you happy birthday at the very least.
Happy Birthday!
I think it’s fair to say that you bring a lot of joy to the folks who read your blog and I hope that is reflected back at you and that you received what wanted for your birthday (and more). You were off to a great start with those pretty toes of yours. I’m not the kind of gal who had pedicures often but when I do they are a mood altering experience. How can you not feel like a beautiful glowing being when you’ve got red toenails with white flowers and sparkles?
Here are my contributions to keep you laughing your birthday week.
(It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure this joke out but it comes off much better if you say it out loud.)
Q:How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:You ‘neak up on him.
(This one makes my Unitarian mother do a spit take every time she hears it.)
Q:How do you know if you’ve pissed off a Unitarian?
A:They burn a question mark in your front yard.
I know it’s over, but I forgot my ALL TIME favorite joke:
What do you call a boomerrang that doesn’t come back?
A Stick!
so I’m too late for the contest but I also wanted to share my favorite joke!
Two olives are walking across the street. The first olive looks both ways and crosses safely while the second olive just walks out in front of a car. The first olive runs over to his friend and asks if he’s okay, and the second olive just sits up.. looks around, and replies:
hey! olive (I’ll live)
har har har
ok, first happy birthday!
second, i adorrrrrrrrre those pears—are they available for sale?
third, you have the most talented and created family!
enjoy your success!
karen
http://artforcoffeessake.blogspot.com/
happy birthday!!
cheesy joke:
2 peanuts were walking through the woods and one of them got assaulted (a-salted)
my daughter’s favourite joke:
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Panths (said with a lisp)
Panths who?
“Panths or no panths, I’m goin’ swimming”
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist!
I know the comp’s over, but this is my fave at the moment…
Have you heard the joke with no punchline?
I love watching people’s faces as they try to work out what you’re laughing at.
wahou, i just discover your tiny world… and wow!!!! so colourful, so nuts, so wow!!!!
A blonde-haired woman went to the Dr and proclaimed that everything hurt. She touched her head and said, “It hurts,” she touched her nose and said “it hurts,” she touched her elbow and said, “it hurts,” she touched her leg and said “it hurts.” The Dr said ma’am, I hate to disappoint you but you have a sprained finger.
This is a true story that happened to me last summer, after spending a long day and night decorating the church for my best friend Charity’s wedding all of us bridesmaids finally made it back to Melissa’s house and climbed into bed around 3 am. Exhausted, we turned off the lights and settled in for the night until 30 seconds later we heard a creepy little voice call,
“Happy Halloween!”
Completely freaked out we all jumped out of bed and started franticly looking for the source of the voice. 45 somewhat delirious minutes later we discovered a stuffed ghost at the bottom of a Rubbermaid tub under Kimi’s bed. Evidently when she got into bed her weight pressed on the lid of the tub and set off the ghost. We banished the ghost to the kitchen for the rest of the weekend and it took us another 45 minutes or so to settle down enough to go to sleep because we all kept bursting out laughing.
Why was the famous Indian Chief buried way on top of the hill?
My Dad told me this when I was young and it has stuck with me forever … I was trying to out-clever him … but he succeeded … I couldn’t get the answer … oh yes, the answer … because he was dead.
Q: What is Round and Really Violent?
A: A Vicious Circle!
OK…that was corny…but I had to tell that one. OK…one more:
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But the lightbulb has to really has to want to change.
Happy Birthday Heather!!!!!!!!
Two cows were talking in a field. One says to the other, “Aren’t you afraid of all that mad cow disease that’s going around?” The other one replies, “Why should I be afraid, I’m a helicopter.” LOL
Happy birthday!!!!!!!!
Not sure if this ones been told……only managed to read half way down!!
A white horse walks into a bar and the bartender says ‘we have got a whisky named after you’ and the horse replies ‘what? Eric?’
…..made me giggle for quite a while!! hope it does you too because I soooooooo love those pears….just incase it didn’t here is another one……
A piece of tarmac went into a pub and said that he was the hardest bit of tarmac in town. A man points to another bit at the end of the bar ‘what about him?’, the tarmac replies ‘except for him, he is a cyclepath’ (psychopath/cyclepath….)
Have a good birthday!!!!!!
Neat blog & pincushions!! Here’s my riddle: Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding. Corny, huh? Happy Birthday! (love the pedi!)
🙂
Q. What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B?
A. WasaBi
Happy Birthday Heather 🙂
Leigh-Ann
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I want you to call me The Hoff from now on.”
The barman replies “Sure thing … no hassle.”
A skeleton walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer and a mop…….. (My hubbie’s fave joke of the moment)
Happy Birthday anyway
Why were 4,5 & 6 scared?
‘Cause 7 8 9
get it?! 7 ate 9!!!!!!!
A very happy birthday Heather!
Mary
Happy Birthday!! I’ve never had a pedi either, guess I should get one for MY birthday! 😉
Here’s my joke:
Two silkworms ran a race.
It ended in a tie.
-Julie
I live in AZ too, just wondering what your “favorite” antique store is. I’m always in search of…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
one my good friends told me this one…
So, three guys were sent to prison and they were told you could bring only one thing.
The first guy brought his ipod.
The second guy brought a book.
The security guard then asks what the third guy brought and he responds, “I brought a box of tampons!”
Puzzled the security guard asks why and the guy answers….cause the box says you can run, swim, and hike!! LOL.
AGAIN, HAVE A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY!
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row – the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day’s mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones’ ad yesterday. It should have read “One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M.”
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: “For sale — R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.”
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don’t call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.